there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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