forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
