apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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