Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
