i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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