you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
