really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
