i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
