I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
