apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
