Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
