where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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