Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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