Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
