I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
