One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
