Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
