I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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