I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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