I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
