He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
