Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
