I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
