Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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