Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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