I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
