smell my finger.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
