I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
