Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I want her autograph on my taint
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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