I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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