living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
