Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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