I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
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We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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