Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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