Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
