Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
