i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
