Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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