you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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