You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
