chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
