2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
tell me about the fingering
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