just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
