its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
