I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
