Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
