chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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