So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
