I can text with my tongue
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
