textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
