Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
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Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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