I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
