you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
