get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
