those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she pinky promised me she was 18
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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