coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
