apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
