whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
